How to Write The "Right" List

There’s nothing wrong with having standards. In fact, we encourage it. However, not every list leads to love.

Too often, we’re taught to write our lists through the lens of wants and superficial preferences. We’re told to look for height and hustle before emotional safety and shared vision and in our community, those pressures get even more complex:

✖️ Black men are expected to carry relationships with quiet strength and settle for emotional labour.

✖️ Black women are told to shrink their standards for the sake of proximity to partnership.

✖️ The Black queer community are told they’re “asking too much” simply for wanting safety, softness, and clarity.

At Deepr, we believe your list should reflect your self-worth - not your fear of being alone or fear of others opinions. The right list doesn’t just describe a person. It defines what you need to feel safe, seen, and supported in love.

💭 So… how do you write the right list?

Here’s a simple framework that aligns with dating intentionally:

1. Start With How You Want to Feel

Forget features. How do you want to feel in a relationship?→ Safe? Celebrated? Supported?Let those feelings guide the qualities you’re looking for.

2. Separate Ego From Alignment

Ask yourself:“Is this something I truly value—or something I was taught to desire to feel worthy?”That’s how you know what to keep… and what to release.

3. Non-Negotiables vs Preferences

Write two columns:

• Non-Negotiables: Emotional availability, clear communication, shared values

• Preferences: Career type, music taste, aesthetics

Both can matter - but one should lead.

4. Ask: Would I Date Me Right Now?

Your list should be a mirror, not a menu.

If you’re asking for honesty, are you being honest with yourself?

If you want consistency, are you showing up consistently in your own life?

5. Revisit Your List With Love, Not Lack

Update your list as you grow. What served you at 25 might not at 35.That’s not “being too picky”—that’s self-alignment.

The right list won’t keep you waiting. It will guide you toward a connection that feels like home—not a performance. If you are aligned with the person you are looking to attract they will find you - that is exactly what happened for me!

Join The Deepr Circle to reflect, grow, and meet people who want love that lasts.